Bonzo is reminiscing for us this week, fed up of the FAILPUGs and things hitting HIM in the face (that’s the wrong way round) Bonzo casts his mind back to happier times……….. or were they!<

em> Lets see what our unlikely hero of the Horde got up to when he was just a little calf.

The Bonzo Chronicles part 7 : Written by Bonzo himself

WARNING: Some rude words

Farming wool today. I’m on my seventy-ninth centaur, and I have one and a half stacks of wool.

This shit is as scarce as a porn movie’s plot.

I’m only level sixteen, and I have a lot to learn. Like the fact that the Barrens is a harsh mistress.

One minute you’re chugging along enjoying the sunshine down the length of the Gold Road, and the next thing a group of elite elves on goddamn tigers ride up and pull your nostrils out through your arse with a sharpened spoon.

My friends are so many levels above me it’s sickening. They’re always doing their own thing, so I lead a pretty lonely existence.

They tell me it’s worth sleeping at an inn overnight, but I can’t see the point of that – it wastes so much time getting back into the action the next day.

I did try it once in Orgrimmar, but that bastard Gamon slapped me six ways fucked up when I bumped into him. And they call the place a safe haven. Pff.

So now I sleep rough, and sod the harpies slapping me when I wake up. They tend be economical on the clothing front though, so a scratch or two in the morning is probably worth it.

I’m wondering if I should give up the wool idea and go find Itchyscratchee or whatever the hell it’s name is, when I get an incoming message on my pager.

Vanillarouge: tank WC?

Bonzo: Excuse me? Who are you?

Vanillarouge: need atnk . u intresred?

Bonzo: What the hell are you talking about?

Vanillarouge: wc fs!!1

Bonzo: Are you retarded? Stop bugging me.

Vanillarouge: fuck u fcukin nub dik

Bonzo: Buddy, I have no idea what you’re saying, but I will find you on tinternets and I will kill you something fierce if you don’t fuck off with the utmost expedience.

[Vanillarouge is ignoring you]

How do they do that? The ‘ignore’ thing? I keep seeing it. And I’d certainly be using it a lot if I knew how to…

[You whisper Malborn]: Hey Mal. How do I ignore someone?

Malborn: Sorry Bonz, just at final boss in SM at the moment. I’ll get back to you.

Bonzo: SM? That’s Scarlet Monastery, right? And final boss? Wow. You were level 1 only three days ago…

[Malborn is ignoring you]

So I kill a few more centaurs.

Suddenly Diet shows up. Diet started in Bloodhoof Village on

the same day as I did, about a month ago.

But Diet has slept in inns. Diet has an idea of how to progress, like he has some kind of manual on how to do this or something. I’ll bet he cheats. Fcking haxxorz.

And Diet is riding a KODO!

He’s all, ‘Hey Bonzy, check this out, isn’t it teh coolest? ’ And all that kind of shit.

I’m trying really hard to keep it together. I have three centaurs beating on me, one of them with a hyena that’s biting my nuts, and this Diet guy is jumping all over my fucking head on his new mount and I can’t see SHIT.

Bonzo: dier could yo uimovbe please ei can’t se e whasts foing on…..

Diet: What’s that Bonz?

Bonzo: WAAAAAAASSSSDDDDDD== fuckssake!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diet: What’re you on about Bonzo?

Bonzo:

Diet: Bonz? Where’d you go?

Bonzo: I’m dead.

Diet: Lol! Nooooob!

Bonzo: Well I had four mobs smacking me, and one Tauren on a kodo trying to burrow up my arse instead of helping. So yeah, a bit noobish I guess.

Diet: LMAO!

…

Hey! Do you mean me? Was that sarcasm?

Bonzo: Possibly.

[Diet is ignoring you]

I get another message on my pager.

Vanilladrood: Hey. You want to tank for our party?

Bonzo: Er… maybe.

Vanilladrood: We’re at the entrance to Wailing Caverns. Can I invite you?

Bonzo: Go ahead.

[You have joined a party]

Bonzo: Ohai everyone. ^^

Vanilladrood: Gogogo.

Bonzo: What?

Vanilladrood: GO!!

Bonzo: Go where?

Vanilladrood: Don’t tell me you’ve never been here before..?

Bonzo: First time for everything eh?

Vanilladrood: Just head left and tank, I’ll keep you alive.

Bonzo: Wow, cool.

Vanillarouge: y arnt we movin ?

Bonzo: Hey, I know that name…

Vanilladrood: Bonzo, please just go – we’re in a hurry.

Bonzo: What’s the rush?

Vanillahunt0r: wtf ? is goin on???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bonzo: I’m trying to ascertain what I need to do – this is my first time here.

Vanilladrood: JUST ATTACK SOMETHING!

Bonzo: Geez, ok, relax a bit…

[Bonzo charges]

[Carnage ensues]

[Your party wipes]

Vanillarouge: WAT TEH

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonzo: That went well, I thought. All things considered.

Vanilladrood: You ran through a group of elites and into a boss who was surrounded by more elites. What’s wrong with you?

Bonzo: Er… nothing. Why?

Vanilladrood: Where’s your shield?

Bonzo: What’s a shield for?

Vanillawarlock: mate u suk. gtfo

Bonzo: Why the animosity? So we died. Just res and do it again.

Vanillahunt0r: we died coz ur a dick. Fck off

Vanilladrood: Alright, calm down. Let’s try that again. Bonzo, seriously – can you equip your shield please?

Bonzo: Er… I don’t have one.

Vanilladrood: You don’t have a shield?! How do you tank without a shield?

Bonzo: I’ve never tanked before.

Vanilladrood: What?!! Do you even know what tanking is?

Bonzo: When we hit stuff and get loot?

Vanilladrood: oO

Bonzo: Ohei, those patrolling mobs are back. Is everyone here?

[Bonzo charges]

[Carnage ensues]

[Your party wipes]

Bonzo: Ok, I’m getting the hang of this now. Woo, this is fun!

[You have been kicked from the party]

[Everyone on the server is ignoring you]

Back to farming wool. And then the night elf patrol appears as if on cue, and pwns me all the way back to the Crossroads.

I love this game.

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