The Bonzo Chronicles part 7 : Written by Bonzo himself

WARNING: Some rude words

Farming wool today. I’m on my seventy-ninth centaur, and I have one and a half stacks of wool.

This shit is as scarce as a porn movie’s plot.

I’m only level sixteen, and I have a lot to learn. Like the fact that the Barrens is a harsh mistress.

One minute you’re chugging along enjoying the sunshine down the length of the Gold Road, and the next thing a group of elite elves on goddamn tigers ride up and pull your nostrils out through your arse with a sharpened spoon.

My friends are so many levels above me it’s sickening. They’re always doing their own thing, so I lead a pretty lonely existence.

They tell me it’s worth sleeping at an inn overnight, but I can’t see the point of that – it wastes so much time getting back into the action the next day.

I did try it once in Orgrimmar, but that bastard Gamon slapped me six ways fucked up when I bumped into him. And they call the place a safe haven. Pff.

So now I sleep rough, and sod the harpies slapping me when I wake up. They tend be economical on the clothing front though, so a scratch or two in the morning is probably worth it.

I’m wondering if I should give up the wool idea and go find Itchyscratchee or whatever the hell it’s name is, when I get an incoming message on my pager.

Vanillarouge: tank WC?

Bonzo: Excuse me? Who are you?

Vanillarouge: need atnk . u intresred?

Bonzo: What the hell are you talking about?

Vanillarouge: wc fs!!1

Bonzo: Are you retarded? Stop bugging me.

Vanillarouge: fuck u fcukin nub dik

Bonzo: Buddy, I have no idea what you’re saying, but I will find you on tinternets and I will kill you something fierce if you don’t fuck off with the utmost expedience.

[Vanillarouge is ignoring you]

How do they do that? The ‘ignore’ thing? I keep seeing it. And I’d certainly be using it a lot if I knew how to…

[You whisper Malborn]: Hey Mal. How do I ignore someone?

Malborn: Sorry Bonz, just at final boss in SM at the moment. I’ll get back to you.

Bonzo: SM? That’s Scarlet Monastery, right? And final boss? Wow. You were level 1 only three days ago…

[Malborn is ignoring you]

So I kill a few more centaurs.

Suddenly Diet shows up. Diet started in Bloodhoof Village on the same day as I did, about a month ago.

But Diet has slept in inns. Diet has an idea of how to progress, like he has some kind of manual on how to do this or something. I’ll bet he cheats. Fcking haxxorz.

And Diet is riding a KODO!

He’s all, ‘Hey Bonzy, check this out, isn’t it teh coolest? ’ And all that kind of shit.

I’m trying really hard to keep it together. I have three centaurs beating on me, one of them with a hyena that’s biting my nuts, and this Diet guy is jumping all over my fucking head on his new mount and I can’t see SHIT.

Bonzo: dier could yo uimovbe please ei can’t se e whasts foing on…..

Diet: What’s that Bonz?

Bonzo: WAAAAAAASSSSDDDDDD== fuckssake!!!!!!!!!!!!

Diet: What’re you on about Bonzo?

Bonzo:

Diet: Bonz? Where’d you go?

Bonzo: I’m dead.

Diet: Lol! Nooooob!

Bonzo: Well I had four mobs smacking me, and one Tauren on a kodo trying to burrow up my arse instead of helping. So yeah, a bit noobish I guess.

Diet: LMAO!

…

Hey! Do you mean me? Was that sarcasm?

Bonzo: Possibly.

[Diet is ignoring you]

I get another message on my pager.

Vanilladrood: Hey. You want to tank for our party?

Bonzo: Er… maybe.

Vanilladrood: We’re at the entrance to Wailing Caverns. Can I invite you?

Bonzo: Go ahead.

[You have joined a party]

Bonzo: Ohai everyone.  ^^

Vanilladrood: Gogogo.

Bonzo: What?

Vanilladrood: GO!!

Bonzo: Go where?

Vanilladrood: Don’t tell me you’ve never been here before..?

Bonzo: First time for everything eh?

Vanilladrood: Just head left and tank, I’ll keep you alive.

Bonzo: Wow, cool.

Vanillarouge: y arnt we movin ?

Bonzo: Hey, I know that name…

Vanilladrood: Bonzo, please just go – we’re in a hurry.

Bonzo: What’s the rush?

Vanillahunt0r: wtf ? is goin on???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

Bonzo: I’m trying to ascertain what I need to do – this is my first time here.

Vanilladrood: JUST ATTACK SOMETHING!

Bonzo: Geez, ok, relax a bit…

[Bonzo charges]

[Carnage ensues]

[Your party wipes]

Vanillarouge: WAT TEH FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bonzo: That went well, I thought. All things considered.

Vanilladrood: You ran through a group of elites and into a boss who was surrounded by more elites. What’s wrong with you?

Bonzo: Er… nothing. Why?

Vanilladrood: Where’s your shield?

Bonzo: What’s a shield for?

Vanillawarlock: mate u suk. gtfo

Bonzo: Why the animosity? So we died. Just res and do it again.

Vanillahunt0r: we died coz ur a dick. Fck off

Vanilladrood: Alright, calm down. Let’s try that again. Bonzo, seriously – can you equip your shield please?

Bonzo: Er… I don’t have one.

Vanilladrood: You don’t have a shield?! How do you tank without a shield?

Bonzo: I’ve never tanked before.

Vanilladrood: What?!! Do you even know what tanking is?

Bonzo: When we hit stuff and get loot?

Vanilladrood: oO

Bonzo: Ohei, those patrolling mobs are back. Is everyone here?

[Bonzo charges]

[Carnage ensues]

[Your party wipes]

Bonzo: Ok, I’m getting the hang of this now. Woo, this is fun!

[You have been kicked from the party]

[Everyone on the server is ignoring you]

Back to farming wool. And then the night elf patrol appears as if on cue, and pwns me all the way back to the Crossroads.

I love this game.

Related posts:

1. Tales from the Dream: MOAR Bonzo!
2. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo meets FAILPUG
3. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo Returns

The Bonzo Chronicles part 6 : Written by Bonzo himself

WARNING: Some rude words

The old gear’s getting a bit rusty. It’s all this ice and shit – these things never happened in Outland.

Mind you, the humidity in Northrend is a lot better for my sinuses. And when you’re a cow, these things matter.

I need to run a few dungeons, and I know just the folk to help me do it.

Bonzo: So who wants to do a heroic? Maybe POS or HOR?

Chimpfucker: wots hor and pos

Bonzo: Grammar check.

Chimpfucker: ?

Bonzo: NVM. They’re the Icecrown dungeons.

Chimpfucker: inv

Bonzo: You’re level 26.

Chimpfucker: so

Bonzo: So you can’t do an Icecrown heroic at level 26.

Chimpfucker: why

[Chimpfucker has been kicked from the guild by Bonzo]

Bonzo: Ok, seriously. Anyone?

Guild:

[You whisper to Malignant]: Mal? Wanna do a heroic?

[Malignant is AFK]

It’s Saturday evening, and almost no guildies are online. Except for the noob that was random-invited by some drunken officer a while back because they were a friend of a friend, but who has just been kicked and is now sitting on his mom’s lap having a hug and a hot cup of qq.

You know there SHOULD be guild members online, but there just aren’t. Except for Mal, but he’s away washing his cat or something. There’s a feeling of disquiet whenever that happens (the guild being empty, not the cat washing), sort of like a ghost town out of some cheesy western flick. It’s exactly the wrongest time of day, the time when everyone is having dinner or something.

I’m desperate to kill stuff. It must be the supersized packet of Cheeto’s I had this morning, followed by beer all day long and not much else. E-numbers and alcohol make for bad companions.

So I try the random dungeon finder.

I have no idea what I’m doing, which is a surprise – I’m usually on top of my game (and don’t believe any of my fellow guild members if they try to tell you otherwise)

I tick ‘DPS’ because I have a great big axe, and ‘DPS’ means I get to use it. I picked warrior class on day 1 because warriors are supposed to smack the living crap out of things, not get used as a snot-rag for some elite cross-dressing demon with a personality disorder.

I wait.

[Chimpfucker whispers]: ur mom sux cok

[You are now ignoring Chimpfucker]

*Mental note: find out who the kid is and flame him. Maybe with a Molotov Cocktail and some old tyres.

I check my bank.

Do I really need that stack of [Elemental Air]? It may come in handy someday if anyone decides to re-introduce some classic ingredients into new uber recipes. You never know.

What about [Aquadynamic Fish Attractor]? Surely I need to keep a hold of those for one day when I level my fishing skill to anything over 25?

Ooo, and what about that stack of prized [Dark Iron Bar], which could potentially make some very nice goodies if I had some [Blood of the Mountain] and was twenty levels lower.

I’ll hang onto all of it just in case.

WTF? An hour later and I’m still waiting for some action.

A few guild members have come online, but I’m ignoring their requests for getting a party together for POS.

I’m determined to make a go of this new feature.

I decide to leave the queue and sign up again, this time as a tank.

Even while I’m still thinking about using the equipment manager to put on my tanky gear, I get sucked into an instance.

And so the circus begins.

[Loading screen: Asshole Kneerub]

I hate Asshole Kneerub. Only been in here once or twice, and wiped horribly.

Bonzo: Hi everyone! ^^

DK 1:

DK 2:

DK 3:

Healer: hello

A few things I discover rather quickly about PUGs:

Nobody wants to be your friend. It’s all about getting in, getting as many emblems and needing on as many items as possible, and then insta-quitting for the next PUG once the instance is finished.

For heavens’ sake, why should anyone try to actually enjoy a game or be nice to anyone when you can rush about through as many instances as possible over the course of an evening instead?

“But It’s more than a game! Must have epixxxx! Must stretch epeen! Moar, moar, MOAR!”

And that’s just me. Some people can be even worse.

I have the audacity, nay, the impudence, to think about using equipment manager now, before we head in.

The group surges forward, and I forget for a moment that I signed up as a tank.

The rogue tanks the first pack of mobs while I search my bags for a pot – anything will do. I settle on a [Flask of Lesser Agility] that I must have found in my bank and decided to bin, although there wasn’t time for that.

DK 1: wtf???? u tank or wut…

DK 1: bONZO!11 fs!

Bonzo: What?

DK 1: wtf u doin

Bonzo: Checking bags for a scroll that will help me in here.

Healer: u don’t ned scroll here we waste tim

Bonzo: Ok, let me just get my tanking gear on.

Healer: /facepalms

DK 1: WTFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!1

[You have been kicked from the party]

I’m back in Dalaran in partial tank gear, wondering what just happened.

A blip. Inconsequential.

I equip my full tanking kit and try again.

I’m instantly whisked to Utgarde Keep. I’m sure I’ve done this place once before, but maybe it was Utgarde Pinnacle.

We head up some stairs. I’m in front because I’m the tank. I’m nervous, but nobody must know. No pressure.

Bonzo: Hi everyone! Ready to go?

DK 1:

DK 2:

DK 3: r

Healer: GOGOGO fs!1

I go.

Bonzo casts [Charge]

Now the interesting thing about a warrior’s charge is that you can’t stop halfway through.

So if you’re about to head face-first into a group of nasties and you suddenly notice a second, previously hidden group of nasties right next to them and very much within aggro radius, then, well… that’s just too bad.

[You have been kicked from the party]

Gothmogs: Ohai Bonz. You up for an instance?

Mogil: We need a tank Bonzy-boy.

Onyxia: Come on Bonz, it’ll be fun.

Calodien: We’re just missing a tank.

[Mogil has invited you to join a party]

You’ve gotta love your guildies. Fuck up as much as you like, and they still keep inviting you back.

Bless their cotton socks.

Related posts:

1. Tales from the Dream: MOAR Bonzo!
2. Tales from the Dream: Old Skool Cowabunga
3. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo Returns

The Bonzo Chronicles part 5 : Written by Bonzo himself

WARNING: Some rude words

I’ve got no energy today. Not. A. Sausage.

This raiding malarkey is beating ten kinds of crap out of me. I mean, there’s only so many times some fuck-off great monster with five heads can kill you before it starts becoming a bit of a downer.

I’m relaxing in Stranglethorn.

It’s a great place for a holiday, but you wouldn’t want to level there.

The Zandalar are all, like, ‘Hey mon, you go kill dat Bat Lady, yeah? Den you come see me again.’

No ‘please’, no ‘thank you’, just a bunch of voodoo bullshit.

Bloody trolls. It’s hard to believe some of my mates are tusk-tuggers, but I guess there’s an exception to every rule.

So I’m sitting on the beach.

I have my [Small Picnic Basket] out, with an umbrella beside me to protect my delicate hide from the depleted Ohnoez layer or some such.

I have my [Iron Fishing Rod] stuck in the sand with a [Only Slightly Better Than Dirt] lure attached. I should get a bite sometime before the next expansion.

I’ve made use of the ever-nifty Equipment Manager to change out of plate mail and into something more appropriate.

If anyone ever sold swimsuits I’d be the first in line, but until then these folks at Grom’Gol had better learn to appreciate a thong wearing cow in their midst. Maybe I didn’t need to stroll into the square like that and ask the vendor if he sold ice-cream, but fuck ‘em. It’s only natural. And it’s not like I’m taking the boys out for juggling practice or anything.

A few beers later…

I’m dozing off in the sun, a pair of [Tinted Exothermic Goggles] perched on my snout, when these two Mulgore girls arrive at the beach.

I recognise one of them from Thunder Bluff – they hang around the auction house. They’re obviously also on vacation.

My first thought is ‘OMG! Equipment Manager!’, but then they whip their kit off too, and are left standing in their own tribal thongs and not much else. Tats oot!

They don’t seem at all fussed about modesty, or the fact that I’m only a few yards down the beach. In fact, they seem to be enjoying the fact.

For my part, I’m udderly delighted.

I shift uncomfortably, trying to get a better view, when suddenly a shadow looms over me and I hear an ominous loud huffing sound. A sense of overwhelming dread starts to rise in me. Unfortunately it’s not the only thing rising, and my visitor notices. Lil’ Bonz ain’t playing by the rules, but it’s way too late for Equipment Manager.

This is going to hurt.

Molpadia: Hello Bonzo.

/Feign death

Molpadia: BONZO!!

Bonzo: Ohai Mol! Didn’t see you there!

Molpadia: Bollix you didn’t. I was watching you perv over those two cows.

Bonzo: Cows? Where?

Molpadia: Oh please. So – is that your fishing rod or are you just happy to see me?

Bonzo: Er… what are you doing in STV?

Molpadia: Same as you, really – just chilling out, taking a break from the grind.

Then it dawns on me: Mol isn’t green anymore.

Bonzo: No more Orc? What happened?

Molpadia: I didn’t like the colour scheme. Besides, all my friends said they missed the ‘old’ me.

Bonzo: Well I prefer you this way. FWIW.

Molpadia: Thanks Bonz, that’s sweet.

Mol gets her kit off, and Mr. Lumpy starts twitching again. But she’s a nice girl, and she’s gone for the full-body swimsuit approach. She must have made that herself. Nerf tailors.

I’m slightly disappointed, but not much – there’s something not quite right about seeing too much of your friends.

Molpadia: I’m going for a quick dip. Join me?

Bonzo: Um… sure.

I need to cool off. Too much excitement lately isn’t good for my old heart. A warrior’s life is dangerous enough without the possibility of a stroke.

So we head towards the water. I try really hard to hold my gut in, but it’s like trying to hide a kodo behind Egbert. Failsauce.

Even so, I’m hoping the laydeez will express even the smallest amount of jealousy at seeing me walking along with Mol. They don’t. And hot-DAMN if they aren’t holding hooves! No remote possibility of cow-pie action for old Bonz then. Meh, at least I have some reading material stored for later. And besides, Mol’s being really friendly, so best I start paying her some attention. Maybe after one quick (and altogether surreptitious) glance over my shoulder to check that the girls are still ok. This is a dangerous place for the inexperienced.

The water’s bloody freezing. You’d think a little cold would be alright after the whole Northrend business, but the twig and berries still head north.

Fortunately we’re waist-deep by now, so Mol doesn’t notice my discomfort.

Molpadia: Come on Bonz, let’s go get us some pearls.

Bonzo: Er… I haz about a million [Blue Pearls] Mol, not really needing too many more.

Molpadia: Oh come on, it’ll be fun.

Bonzo: W… er… I…

Molpadia: You scared?

Bonzo: What? No!

But of course I am. I hate the water. Cows were never meant to swim. It’s not right. And there’s the fact that my shit-roasted Nagrand Cherries are all finished.

Mol dives under the water and disappears. She’s heading out towards the Vile Reef. I wish people would realise it’s called that for a reason.

I sigh and take a deep breath, then dive in after her.

I guess I should be grateful that we can still speak underwater. It’s one of those things I’ve never quite understood, but it’s useful so I don’t complain.

Molpadia: Check this out B.

Bonzo: Hm?

Molpadia: An [Iridescent Pearl]. These used to go for a fortune on the AH.

But I’m not listening. I’m watching the monstrous beastie that’s swimming towards us. It’s not a murloc. This place is only supposed to have murlocs in it. WTF?

Bonzo: Jayzuz! RUUUUUUN!!!

Molpadia: What?

Mol turns. She sees the leviathan approaching, and she turns pale.

Molpadia: That’s not possible…

I don’t care what’s possible. It must be more of this pre-expansion crap. Wotevah.

I’m leaving behind a smokescreen as I race to the surface. Brave sir Bonzo ran away, away…

But then I’m overwhelmed by a feeling of guilt, so I turn to see if Mol’s ok.

This massive kraken of a beast is at home in the water, and it’s closing in on her.

I can’t allow her to get hurt. I’m better than this. I am a cow of integrity, of honour, and of very little brain.

So I turn and hit the Equipment Manager. Hell, I swim just as well in plate as I do in a thong, so why not. I bellow and roar, and a thousand little fishies phear meh.

I charge at the great huge unnamed monster of the deep, and I slap him something vicious across the face with my [Iron Fishing Rod].

The last thing I see before considering how much my repair bill will be is Mol’s little hooves at the surface, kicking with all her might as she reaches the beach.

I have shown strength in the face of adversity, courage when a friend was in danger, and stupidity of the highest order. All is as it should be.

Related posts:

1. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo Returns
2. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo meets FAILPUG
3. Tales from the Dream: MOAR Bonzo!

Bonzo mentioned in his previous comment, that “Unleashed” is the guild’s scapegoat, ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING that goes wrong, its all Pambos’ fault. So if the server is down or there are no more additional instances or gawd forbid there is no more whiskey, you can rest assured its probably Pambos’s fault.

Malignant, well really thats Mal.

Magpawacar is one of those WOW Fortune 500 members, as you will gather! There are more, but I am sure you want to get started on reading what Bonzo, our unlikely hero of the Horde got up to this time.

The Bonzo Chronicles part 4 : Written by Bonzo himself

WARNING: Some rude words

Random Dumbass Finder

Guild Chat: Dalaran, 19:56

[Bonzo] has come online.

Magpawacar: Fewking eejits who put itesm on aution house andn then take it off just befoer BO time mak me MAD! Cocskucksrs! Hey Bonz.

[2: Trade] Knobjockey 1: LF boost RFK
[2: Trade] Knobjockey 2: I can hlep – gief 10 glod
[2: Trade] Knobjockey 1: yor mom gafe 10 glod

/leave 2

[You have left Channel 2: Trade]

Bonzo: Lo teh guild! All well?

Magpawacar: Fewking glodspammers in Org make me MAD!

Tromar: Hi Bonz.

Malignant: And the worst part was that we had to call the fire department to remove it! They used a whole tub of Vaseline! I’ve never been so embarrassed!!1

Shoshone: oO

Malignant: mt…

Gothmogs: Loooooooooooooooooool!

Uglimuffer: Hi Bonz.

Bonzo: Quiet here tonight. But I see that there are 18 of us online. You lot all on TS?

Sazon: Yeah Bonz. Come on, you slacker!

Bonzo: One sec.

[ Moonlight whispers]: /Spank ^^

[Molpadia has come online]

Molpadia: Hey all.

Magpawacar: Jezgobblers! Feckign glod spamMERS!1We hatesssss them!

So it looks like we’re heading to an olde worlde instance: Molten Core.

I remember going there a while ago – hell, must have been a few years now. We got slapped silly. My repair bill was astronomical, and all I got out of it was [Rusted Mail Boots]. I hated the place, fiery bastards throwing their flames around and two headed dogs and imps biting yer bollix all the while. Not a fun time, no sir.

The memories still haunt me…

Dappee: Bonzo! I haz aggro – get this fucker off me!

Bonzo: What? I thought Hamo was tanking!

Littlehorn: Bonzo you dumbass – we all agreed on this tactic before we started! Weren’t you listening??!

Bonzo: Er… no?

Hamolopov: I’m arms spec!

Bonzo: Me too!

Sazon: Now’s not the time, people. I’m having to concentrate here! *cast lifebloom, flower petals, serenity, magic missile, poppadom*

Diet: OMG!! GOING OOM!

Boynk: Caps-attack, lawl!

Greemin: I NEED HEALING! SOMEONE INNOVATE MEH!

Greemin: NVM. Dead. o_o

Immolaeus: Aaaaaw. Sad Sad

Magpawacar: Nice one guys. This is a wpie.

Malborn: Mmm, pie…

Magpawacar: *wipe

Diet: OOM! HEAL MEEEEEEEEEH!!!1

Boynk: Caps-attack, lawl!

Sazon: I’m healing the tank ffs!

Malborn: Would that be the guy with the two hander?

Greemah: Bonzo, WTF?!

Bonzo: Nobody told me I was MT!

Dappee: Yes we did.

Littlehorn: Bonzo, you asshole… :/

Boynk: Kek…

[You have been kekked out of the guild. L2P nub.]

[Naunak whispers]: Bonzo, you asshole…

Bonzo: Nobody told me anything! I was out hunting raptors and the next thing I’m speed-dialled to the meeting stone! Fcking idiots!

[Naunak is ignoring you.]

Well, it went something like that. Bonzo and MC have a history, and not a very happy one.

So I get onto Teamspeak. It’s so much easier than reading what everyone says. I mean, this great hulking god of thunder is throwing rocks in your face, and you have to ask him to stop for a second so you can reply to some random party member asking when to cast some or other spell. Not very professional, IMO.

Everyone’s on the chat channel. Mal’s telling people the tactic for some or other boss when all of a sudden his cat falls into the shitter.

Mal heads off with a hurried “AFK” and a small squeak as his headphone cord catches on his right ear. Saz is making pots. We loves pots. Magz is about to cash up his second million on auction house sales, then he’ll be right with us. Mogil is at the meeting already. As are Sisika, Nerfbat, Calodien, Molpadia, Gothmogs, Unleashed, Fleg, Tripswitch, Immolaeus, Uglimuffer, Shoshone, Onyxia, Tromar, Nephilim and just about everyone else in the guild.

It’s party night!

Immolaeus: Hey, have you read about the new dungeon finder feature?

Molpadia: Yeah, it sounds sweet!

Unleashed: I can’t wait to try it.

Then I have an idea.

Bonzo: Guys, I’m going to try it. I’ll teleport us straight into MC.

Mogil: I’m not too sure it will work, Bonz.

Gothmogs: Agreed. This whole thing is a bit new. Do you know how to use it?

Bonzo: I’ve been playing this game since Beta – I know all there is to know.

Malignant: Orly?

Tripswitch: Welcome back Mal.

Malignant: Back btw.

Tripswitch: Lol.

Malignant: Lol.

Bonzo: Come on. Sis, make me raid leader please.

Sisika: Mmkay.

[You are now raid leader. God help us all.]

Bonzo: Okay, here we go. Wish me luck!

Sazon: Right, we have pots galore! Wait, what’s going on?

Shoshone: Bonzo’s using the new dungeon finder option to beam us into Molten Core.

Sazon: He’s WHAT? Bonzo, wait…….!!

[Loading…]

Bonzo: There. See? Easy.

Onyxia: This doesn’t look familiar…

Molpadia: It sort of looks a bit like the Barrens. Only… different.

Calodien: Bonzo, what have you done?

Magpawacar: WHAT! THE! FUUCK!!!! I was jut abuot to place a last minute bid on a stack of fewking uber rare gems! Who the goddamn…?

Nerfbat: Er…… what’s that in the distance?

Mogil: I can’t quite make it out. Looks like a lot of somethings though.

Nephilim: They’re coming right for us!

Unleashed: Is that thing a moving mountain..?

Gothmogs: That’s no mountain… that’s a dragon… oh jayzuz…

Malignant: A dragon? In the Barrens? And what the fuck is a river of lava doing in the middle of the Stagnant Oasis?

Sazon: I know that dragon… that’s……….

Magpawacar: Oh my sweet lord, that’s DEATHWING!!!

Immolaeus casts [Invisibility]
Tripswitch casts [Feign Death]
Nerfbat casts [Feign Death]
Tromar casts [Feign Death]
Sisika disappears into thin air.
Magpawacar shits his rods.

Sazon: RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Malignant: Bonzo, you dumbass – you’re teleported us straight into the new expansion! Where in the name of all the gods did you buy your navigation skills?

Bonzo: Er… I never quite got the hang of navigation.

Gothmogs casts [Fear] on all the demons of hell.
[All the Demons of Hell are Immune]
Gothmogs dies.

Unleashed: Bonzo, you idiot! What have you done?

Bonzo: Hey, you wanted to use the dungeon finder! I was just doing what you asked for.

Sazon: This is all your fault, Bonzo!

Bonzo: No way man, it was Unleashed – he made me do it! I BLAME PAMBOS!

Deathwing casts [Fucking Massive Wall of Fiery Death]

Bonzo dies.
Sazon dies.
Malignant dies.
Magpawacar dies.
Unleased dies.
Nephilim dies.
Molpadia dies.
Mogil dies.
Calodien dies.
Uglimuffer dies.
Flegisdead dies.
Shoshone dies.
Onyxia dies.

[You have been kicked from the guild.]

[Sazon whispers]: Bonzo, you asshole…

Bonzo: It wasn’t my fault!

[Sazon is ignoring you.]

You have earned the achievement: [LOSER!]

Related posts:

1. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo meets FAILPUG
2. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo Returns
3. Tales from the Dream: Introducing the “Bonzo Chronicles”

The Bonzo Chronicles part 3 : Written by Bonzo himself

Warning: Rude words as always

Love is in the hair…

So I’m strolling through Dalaran, wondering why Saz doesn’t want to speak to me. He’s holding a little sign that says “AFK” and I wonder to myself whether he’s doing some kind of silent protest – a politically motivated sit-in or something.

I /poke him, but he still ignores me. Cheeky bastard.

That’s the last time I tell him his healing was fine and the boss critting me three times is what wiped us (when actually I have pretty decent defence and the slacker was probably off gathering a herb in the corner or something, because the incoming heals were ZEEEERO)

I think, “Hey, maybe I can go smelt some Titansteel bars – I’ve been hoarding titanium and little bits of earth and fire and shit in my bank for ages!”

The goblin bankers in Ratchet keep complaining about how bad it smells, the soft little wankers. Someone told me their ambassador was talking to Thrall the other day, and there’s speculation the gobbos are about to join the ranks of the horde.

Ah well, at least I’ll have something to wipe my arse with when the paper runs out again. So anyway, I head to the smiths and some dick tells me, “You were here just this morning buddy – get out and wait your turn.”

If I didn’t still have my crappy item level 200 axe I’d have words, but as it is I decide to drop it. I really need to get up earlier in the morning and try to get into Icecrown with some random group of noobs who don’t realise just how inexperienced I am.

I head back to the bank to drop off my mats (the Eternal Fire is burning a hole in my pocket and roasting my chestnuts something terrible).
Saz is still sitting on the steps of the bank with his silly little placard, so I /kick him on the way past. I’d stick a pumpkin on his head, but I’m all out. Now there’s something that smells pretty rancid after it’s been on your noggin for a few days…

All of a sudden this orc chick stops in front of me. She has two massive axes that easily kick my droopy old rusted piece of shit into a new league of embarrassment. I’m trying really hard to hide my axe and get past her when suddenly she speaks to me.

Molpadia: “Hey Bonz! Long time no see. You well hun?”

Bonzo: “…”

Molpadia: “Oh I’m so sorry! It’s me Bonz, Molpadia! I’ve had a bit of work done on the old body.”

Bonzo: “Shittabrick Mol, you used to be a COW! A bit of work turned you into an orc? WTF?!”

Molpadia: “It’s magic. I paid a bit of gold and here I am, a new person. Well, sort of. Inside I’m just the same.”

She gives me a ^^ but I’m disappointed nonetheless.

Bonzo: “But Mol, you’re an orc! What’s wrong with being a Tauren?”

Molpadia: “Oh Bonz, not a thing! It’s just that orcs are really pretty good at using axes, you know. And I need all the help I can get for Icecrown, especially the harder areas.”

I used to have a hard area whenever I saw Mol, but now I feel betrayed. She’s all green and has fangs and shit. What happened to that lovely soft tawny fur I used to dream about? We were just starting to get to know each other, and now she’s gone and had this done.

What next? Piercings? A tattoo? She doesn’t even have a tail anymore!

She had such a sweet tail…

Bonzo: “I’m sorry Mol, I gotta go. Erm… nice seeing you again.

Molpadia: “Sure Bonz. You take care, hope to see you around. Come over to my place for a meal sometime.”

Yeah, right.
Orcs eat little children and pandaren.
No thank you kindly.

Bonzo: “Sure Mol, I’ll do that.”

I’m a terrible liar, and the look on her (New! Green!) face seems to show that she knows it. Well FFS, she’s the one who went and ruined it all. Orc indeed!

Inside the bank I see Mal. He’s just standing there in the middle of the bank, probably speaking to someone. I find it really freaky that you can whisper to someone in another city – hell, another planet! – but who am I to question these things?

I tried speaking to some alliance gnome once who thought (mistakenly, obviously) that the mine in front of us was his. The little fucker was behind me and I was about to win the race to the lovely minerals when he blinked and started mining right in front of me.

This was when I was much younger, and I didn’t yet know too much about the world. I thought a word in his ear about how badly he’d upset me would be in order, and so I began to recall a grand yet somewhat exaggerated (to the point of being entirely fabricated) account of my enterprising evening with his mother and a box of lightning eels. To my eternal frustration, he replied to me in a completely foreign language, and I learned at that moment that I would never gain satisfaction from cursing the enemy to their face.

He then jumped onto his mechanical bird (I mean, you can craft anything you want to but you make a giant fucking chicken? Gnomes are SUCH a bunch of cock-smokers) and rode off, yelling “BUR” at me, whatever the bejaysus that means.

Malignant: “Yo Bonz! You eaten a bad chilli?”

Bonzo: “Eh? Hey Mal. What you talking about?”

Malignant: “That look on your face mate: either you have a monkey nibbling it’s way out of your arse or you’re seriously pissed off at someone. Anything I can help with?”

Bonzo: “Ah! Naa, just reminiscing.”

Malignant: “A good memory, obviously.”

Bonzo: “Hey, have you seen what Mol did to herself?”

Malignant: “Yeah mate, I think it’s wicked.”

Bonzo: “Wicked? Well, I would have said a bit shitty, really. Not too sure it’s an evil act, really.”

Malignant: “Wicked means cool. It’s what all the kids are saying these days.”

Bonzo: “Oh. Ok. So what do they say for bad then? Fookin brullyunt?”

Malignant: “Bad means good too. But good doesn’t actually mean bad. Good still means good. It’s a really weird linguistical minefield.”

Bonzo: “Um. Yeah.”

Malignant: “Sort of like leetspeak.”

Bonzo: “Fuck that! I told you not to go there. It’s a guild rule, I thought.”

Malignant: “One that you made up, and only because you don’t like it.”

Bonzo: “Because it’s stupid! Why not just speak normally?”

Malignant: “U r teh grumpeh, lulz.”

Bonzo: “Fuck off.”

Sazon: “Hey guys.”

Malignant: “Hey Saz. Wazzup?”

Sazon: “Bonz getting his rage on again?”

Malignant: “Aye. The l33t5pk thing.”

Sazon: “ROFL!”

Bonzo: “I’m leaving. You guys are so immature.”

Malignant: “Sorry Bonz. Hey, you up for some raiding later?”

Bonzo: “Yeah, why not.”

Sazon: “You can be teh tanxx0r.”

Bonzo: “I can hurt you, you know.”

Malignant: “Not until you L2P nub.”

Related posts:

1. Tales from the Dream: MOAR Bonzo!
2. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo Returns
3. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo meets FAILPUG

Seeing as this will be my first blog entry, covering our weekly ICC 10 man run, this one might end up being a pretty long write-up since we are already a few weeks in. The content will mostly be about the individual boss achievements, since these are our main priority, and the upcoming hard modes, coupled with – hopefully – some witty remarks and funny incidents along the way. With insanity tribute runs on farm very early on we have been aching to get some new challenges for our 10 man setup and without having tried any of Icecrown Citadel on the PTR it has so far been a refreshing experience compared to its gap-filling predecessor.

Our ten man raid composition consists mostly of ranged dps – that might be a benefit for most encounters, but I am not one to speculate. Tossing out those huge numbers that will hopefully send those hard modes whimpering we have Aliesha, Ezekal, Taralish, Tokk, Torrquemada, and Xaroz. The mana sponges are Aixler and I, and we are all at the mercy of Kemilai and Farlap keeping us alive. Offspecs leave room for changes when or if needed, so all in all a solid and funny bunch of people.

Well, we have some ground to cover so let’s get started! Lord Marrowgar, the spinning pile of bones and the first road block rushing into the citadel. A relatively straight forward fight and if you are capable of spreading and hugging when needed it should not pose much trouble. If you are looking to do Boned we found it easiest to have the raid bunch up in a group behind Marrowgar so everyone is in immediate range of the bone spikes – it is not terribly important for our setup, but if you are running a melee heavy raid it might enable you to overcome it slightly easier as it minimises the amount of running around needed to reach a spike.

Lady Deathwhisper is a sneaky dealer and killing her with a Full House was one of the more tricky achievements we have done in a while and we got flushed away a few times in the process. Quite a lot of times we ended up letting too many adds spawn because we were missing one or two in the series and just got overrun by aoe shadow crashing adherents. Tweaking the tactic over a couple of pulls (having Tokk get smacked around by deformed fanatics helped – at least on the overall mood) we found that micro managing each set of spawns so we had at least one that we needed every time and killing the rest was the way that worked for us. All of the adds can be cc’ed one way or the other, except the deformed fanatic that needs to be kited, and tanks can swap around on loose targets when debuff stacks need to be cleared. Admittedly Aixler died shortly before the end and I had to tank with five stacks of insignificance, but that is of minor significance!

The Gun Ship, being one of the new and extraordinaire encounters right now (like the chess event in Karazhan – rocket packs on the rear end is funny!), is probably where Aixler dies the most because he wants to rocket jump up and down the sides of the ship during the fight and when they are in motion towards the fight, leaving me to tank everything. Beyond that I believe we only spent two tries on I’m on a Boat, one ridiculous wipe by me because I did not pay attention to Saurfang’s stacks and just going “Hi gusy I am tankin’ dis all up in fais wiv no guns!” and then he one-shot me. Oh well, lesson learned I guess! We did it quite easy afterwards with me and Aixler tanking two rounds of mages and frosted cannons each before jumping back. A healing intensive fight if any, just make sure to jump over as late as possible so the stacks do not overwhelm you and have your healers heal you from the edge of the Alliance boat, unless of course they are too drunk to boot because they, like Mr. W. S. Gilbert, are quartered on the port side.

Now that I’ve got you, let us both revisit the next boss, Deathbringer Saurfang, which up until a few weeks ago has been the last available boss. Our setup is perfect for it with plenty of ranged dps to blast those bloody blob-beasts to kingdom come long before they even knew what hit them, but I can imagine that a melee heavier team will have a hard time avoiding blood rage stacking up too fast and you might end up getting overwhelmed by Mark of the Fallen Champion. Hunter frost traps are a helpful utility if you are aiming to do I’ve Gone and Made a Mess, as is any slowing ability but not the keystone to success. As long as you are good at focusing dps this should hopefully not pose much trouble and you are ready to enter the frosty hacksaw.

Onwards to the more interesting! The Plagueworks, the first addition! Amazingly now without lag on fridays too! We started off with Festergut hoping that the Flu Shot Shortage would not leave us all sick by the end of the evening! Again, having a heavy entourage of ranged dps we had to spread more to avoid Vile Gas coupled with the high amount of aoe damage at the start of the fight dealing a devastating blow early on. We sorted out a rotation on the Gas Spores so everyone would have only the needed maximum of two stacks before Pungent Blight. We wiped a couple of times, slightly overwhelmed by the amount of damage Festergut dishes out with three stacks but came out victorious after only a short time on him.

Rotface was up next and desperately wanting to do Dances with Oozes, in the spirit of dancing with Heigan, we were unsure just how many oozes would spawn and if we needed one, two, or multiple kiters. The fight itself is not overly complicated and shares very similar mechanics with the Grobbulus encounter back in Naxxramas. We figured we might as well try and blow heroism from the early start since if we needed multiple kiters later on we would at least have utilised it to its full potential. Ploughing through cooldowns we ended up at something close to thirty percent before we had to let Tokk take over the second kite. Magnificent, Rotface was plummeting towards his early demise but getting trapped by some bad slime pools led Tokk to also take a huge hit from the ooze he was kiting, going splat just about instantly. Second pull, same deal, just less getting hit by big oozes, Tokk! We were on our way, but some bad communication led to the two big oozes merging at about five percent and we had to wipe it. Third pull was a charm though – and it was all in the hips!

Running up the ramp to Professor Putricide I did not really know what to expect myself, but we came into the room with the general impression that this would be easy enough since many realms had already killed him. *knock knock* Who’s there? It’s the “WRONG!”. Moving Putricide around the room, dodging choking gas vials on the ground, back and forth to get range on the oozes, avoiding malleable goo, and timing transitions so we did not have slime pools growing and loose oozes was one thing. Getting acquainted with the abomination and its mechanics another. And not knowing about the stacking debuff on the tanks a third! With a few people suffering from Nausea, Hurtburn and Indigestion… we decided to leave the achievement for when we get more comfortable with the mechanics of the encounter.

Beyond that it is definitely a greatly tuned fight, but knowing that you only have ten tries to get him dead is always lurking in the back of your head and every pull has you sitting on the edge of your seat, chewing on your paws in excitement and hoping that you do not screw something up. So, after a few nail-biting phase three attempts we could finally let loose a few nerd screams over ventrilo as Putricide ran out of gas on the seventh pull. The second week with access to the Plagueworks we were focused on killing Putricide without using Regurgitation and hopefully be able to squeeze out enough dps to not get blown up too much by the oozes. The green ooze is by far the lesser of two evils and stacking up while avoiding malleable goo will not hurt the raid to a great extend. The orange goo however needs to die very fast or the fixated person needs to kite for a decent amount of time so the raid does not take a huge hit coupled with either of the many forms of aoe or splash damage that might kill you. Speed potions might come in handy and remember that with the lessened focus on slowing adds the abomination can be used more to hack’n’slash away at undesirables. Timing the transitions, especially into phase three, and switching focus to oozes immediately are essential elements if you want this fight to run as smoothly as possible.

The second wing, the Blood Wing introduced two new encounters. The first fight is against the blood princes and bearing the achievement in mind it is mostly about preparation, spreading to minimise aoe damage and understanding the different mechanics when the princes are empowered. If you are running with a heavy melee entourage the empowered vortex cast by Valanar is probably the biggest killer. Overall the damage on the entire raid can be quite high and if you are using one tank to take care of both Valanar and Taldaram it spikes heavily. For us it all boiled down to communicating what was happening where and when. Missing one of the abilities can be very unforgiving so keep your heads in the cool!

Blood Queen Lana’thel being the second and last fight of the Blood Wing is a very fun fight at that. I like the whole idea about getting bitten and going on a mental boodfrenzy, but then again, I loved the Twilight movies as well – so I guess I am just a sucker for that kind of stuff, even if she looks or sounds nothing like Bella. Sidetracking a bit there, sorry. The achievement here is not doable in a single setting and you have to revisit her if you want to be Once Bitten, Twice Shy and you need to coordinate either pre-fight or during who gets bitten and who does not (the former likely the best course of action to avoid confusion and/or panic). First and foremost to beat her you want to spread the bites to the highest dps and if you are in the clear near the end you can spread them to healers or tanks. Initially the damage output on the raid can be quite devastating, so running with three healers may be a good option. I believe we managed to drop her the first week on the third pull and we are still rotating bites every week so every gets bitten and everyone does not (that sounded pretty stupid).

The third and last wing before the Lich King is the Frost Wing, which introduced yet another two encounters. The first being Valithria Dreamwalker, a fight where we found it beneficial to have three healers, at least if you are gunning for the Portal Jockey achievement. We basically had one healer focus the tanks that were handling adds and tossed two through the portals and the rest being picked up by random dps. The soft enrage can overwhelm you quite fast and we spent a few goes balancing it all out and Aliesha sounded a bit stretched out solo healing everybody. Managing the adds and prioritising which are killed first can make or break the fight too.

Onwards to Sindragosa, an upgraded Sapphiron encounter with even more ice tombs, aoe deadliness, managing debuffs, clearing debuffs, running back and forth, and madness – it’s All You Can Eat really! Our main focus when the frost wing was opened was to get to the Lich King, so we have not really spent any time on the achievement for her, although, I do have a few ideas on how to get it done!

Drum roll! *ba-dam-tschh* The Lich King, a very fun and nicely tweaked encounter with lots of different stuff going on and lots of things that can make or break the fight with just a moment’s notice or hesitation. We exhausted our attempts the first week without bringing him to his knees, managing only 42% on our best attempt. There is plenty of spreading around, gathering up, focusing adds, managing debuffs, switching tanks to make your head spin so when we finally hit 10% on our second week and were about to get sucked into the hungering Frostmourne we let out a few nerd screams as Tirion jumped to our aid, shattering the plagued sword and releasing the entrapped spirits. We are very happy to finally have hard modes enabled but we will of course still be focusing on finishing the individual boss achievements that we have not been able to complete thus far. I do not want to spoil too much about the fight – although I reckon most people with interest have already seen the videos somewhere – but this is definitely the most thrilling fight we have seen for a normal mode encounter in a long time. I dread the thought of how difficult this is going to be on hard mode because right now the first few encounters we have tried have all more or less been quite insane in the membrane (Gunship aside, iz dis on hard or E.Z. Moade gusy?!).

That’s it for now – many encounters to cover, so I trimmed them down a bit (also since they are not all fresh memories and I had to dig deep) but I hope the next features can be a bit more elaborative for the individual bosses. Good luck with your endeavours in Icecrown Citadel!

Related posts:

1. Achieve this: Share the love
2. Achieve this: Exalted, the Ashen Verdict
3. Devil’s Advocate – Easy Raiding

The Bonzo Chronicles part 2 : written by Bonzo himself

Warning : Once again contains rude words

Tauren Warrior

The thing is, I’m a cow. Deep down I know this to be true. I may walk and talk and beat the crap out of things with pointy sticks, but I’m still a cow. And I’m an angry cow. I don’t suffer fools. Or people I dislike. There are lots of those types around.

So my point?

Well, my point is that I’m a cow who can do stuff. I’m evolved. I don’t just eat grass all day and shit down my legs. I have the ability to think. Well, to a certain extent. But not only am I a cow, I’m a cow who inhabits other people’s bodies!

What does this all mean? It means, my friends, that there’s magic in the air. Magic and witchcraft.

Let me elaborate:

You see, for many years I suffered from quite deep paranoia. My fears were grounded around one fact: I was schizophrenic.

One minute I was in the Southern Barrens, getting electro-shocked like a motherfucker by some pissed off Thunder Lizard, and the next thing I’m in someone else’s mind: a young and timid troll standing at a mailbox and checking his savings at the bank in Orgrimmar.

And then, THEN! I’m a CHICK! A bona-fide member of the opposite gender, wearing a dress and watching my bony arms twirling and then flinging this red fireball shit out at wandering zombies. I mean… W!T!F??!
I tell you, it freaked me out something terrible.

Somehow I knew I was still… well, myself, but at the same time I was someone else too!
People called me different names, and I was ok with that. Well, to a point. Who the fuck calls themself Skaramoosh? If I had a gold coin for every dim twat who asked me if I could do the fandango…

So yeah, schizophrenia. Or at least, that’s what I thought.
I didn’t really know what to think.

Was I being manipulated by some higher power? Some omnipotent being who was controlling my every movement while eating doughnuts and drinking beer?

Or was I telepathic and going into mind-controlling trances at the drop of a loosely threaded hat.

Did I have special powers? Was I actually the most powerful being on the planet, but hadn’t yet learned to control my abilities?

And then one day I spoke to Sazon about it. Saz knows stuff.

Bonz: So yeah man, my head is fucked. What’s up with that?

Saz: Naa Bonz, it’s not just you mate. These other personalities you mention are called “alts”.

Bonz: Olts?

Saz: Alts. Short for “alternative”. As in, alternative character.

Bonz: But how am I in their heads? I mean, it’s like it’s me seeing through their eyes, but at the same time they’re doing their own thing, casting spells or shooting arrows or some shit. What the fuck is that all about?

Saz: We do not question these things too much my friend. If we did, we’d go mad. Think of it as “magic.”

Bonz: Magic. Pff.

Saz: Bonz, you’re a cow. Well, not a cow as such, but a descendant of a cow. Anyway, the fact that we’re both cows and we’re having this conversation should be proof enough of the existence of magic.

Bonz: Ooooh, I get it – you’re one of these “creationist” types eh? Like we all evolved from pond life and such.

Saz: Face the facts, man. You haz horns and a tail and you moo when you get excited. And your direction sense sucks balls. And you can’t dance for shit. Dude, you’re a cow.

I couldn’t really argue much after he’d put it that way.
I started to understand my strange fascination with farmyards, and why I’d had no explanation when that farmer caught me outside the milking pens with my plate mail leggings around my ankles.

I was fascinated. What was my ancestry?

I vowed then and there to spend the remainder of my days searching for lost relatives. I’d visit the great libraries, have deep conversations with the wisest scholars, consult the elders, and discover where my heritage lay.

I started to mount up, planning to speedily make my way to the Dalaran University, when Mal arrived.

Mal: Hey Bonz!

Bonz: Mal! Wazzuuuuuup?

Mal: Brewfest is up, dude! FREE BEER!

Bonz: FREE BEER!

Mal: I haz mammoth – hop on.

Bonz: Can I ask ya something Mal?

Mal: I’m not swallowing again, I already told you that.

Bonz: No, something else.

Mal: Okay…

Bonz: It’s kinda personal.

Mal: It’s okay, I’ve seen you nekkid.

Bonz: True. Well… do you have an alt?

Mal: I most certainly do not!

Bonz: Sorry mate, no offence meant. I just seem to remember you used to be… different somehow. You had a bow. And a wolf that followed you around. And you used to kite bosses around instead of just fearing them. Do you remem –

Mal: No Bonz, you’re mistaken. It must have been a dream.

Bonz: Well in my dream you were really keen on getting the whole Beastmaster set. I remember running Blackrock a LOT. You eventually did get it, if I recall.

Mal: Not the whole set. I was missing –

Bonz: Yes?

Mal: It was a dream mate. Honestly.

Bonz: Anyway, I was thinking about looking into my ancestry.

Mal: What? Why?

Bonz: Saz says I’m a cow.

Mal: You *are* a cow.

Bonz: But how does that work? How did I get to be what I am now? How can I hold a weapon? How can I talk? Where did I learn to /dance?

Mal: I don’t think you ever did mate. Get a mirror sometime. As for where you came from, it’s all magic. Speak to the Taunka’le if you’re really bothered about it. They know stuff about cow history. Just be thankful you didn’t end up on an abattoir floor.

Bonz: Hm.

Mal: Beer?

Bonz: Beer.

Related posts:

1. Tales from the Dream: Introducing the “Bonzo Chronicles”
2. Tales from the Dream: Bonzo meets FAILPUG
3. Tales from the Dream: MOAR Bonzo!

You may know him you may not know him but now he is most definitely an unlikely hero “For the Horde”

The Bonzo Chronicles: written by Bonzo himself

WARNING : Contains rude words

Undercity

Ok, so there I am just mining and stuff, you know, doing my own thing, and my phone rings. It’s Mal.

“Hey Bonz,” he says, all casual like. “Enjoy your holiday?”

So I’m like, “Yeah it was cool. Mulgore is great this time of year, plenty of grass to eat, the quillboars aren’t too – ”

“Hey that’s great, glad to hear it”  he says, but he doesn’t sound so glad. Or even like he cared in the first place. “So listen Bonz, me and the guys were thinking…”

And I know what’s coming.

“Well, you know there’s the Icecrown place, right?”

Yes, I know. I tell him I know. He knows I know, but he carries right on.

“Ok good. So anyway, we were wanting to go take a look, you know?”

I know. I keep quiet.

“And since you’re one of the old boys, I just wondered if you were up for some killing?”

He says “old boys” like it’s cool, but it’s not cool. Because I’m the oldest boy. Not cool at all.

“Sure Mal,” I say, not really wanting to do anything of the sort. There are so many places I still want to go fishing.  But he’s a friend, so I play along. “Can I hit things?”

“Of course you can Bonz, haha!” His laugh sounds about as genuine as Haris Pilton’s boobs.

“With my two handed axe?”

“Well maybe mate, but actually…”

There’s a pause, probably for dramatic effect, but I know what’s coming. No amount of dramatic effect can polish this particular turd.

“Well mate, we thought that since you were the best at what you do – ” (nice touch Mal. Ingenuine, but nice. And slightly desperate sounding) “- well, we thought you could use your uber tanking skills instead.”

Almost pleading. So tanks are still in short supply, I see.

“Sure Mal,” I say, regretting the decision even as it’s coming out of my mouth. So many cooking recipes still to learn…

And so we arrange a time and a place to meet, and he hangs up.

Dalaran

“Hey Bonz!” The lads greet me. “Long time no see!”

“Yeah, long time,” I agree. It’s been a month.

“So you’ve been away then?” Saz asks. It’s like asking if I’ve been breathing all that time too, it’s so obvious he’s just making small talk.

“Yup.”

“So… you haven’t seen any of the new area yet I take it? Or upgraded any of your gear?”

Actually Magz I have, which is why I’m here now, to walk you through it with my extensive knowledge and experience.

“Nope, not yet.” I manage a smile, but my head’s killing me. I shouldn’t have met that blind date at Tarren Mill last night after all. She turned out to be a cow.

“So we good to go?” Mal asks.

“I thought you said 8 Mal.”

“I did Bonz, but it’s almost 8 and we’re all here so we may as well head off.”

“Well I’d like to get some gems and enchants if possible – may help my damage mitig – ”

“Naa Bonz, we’ll find us some better gear for you along the way mate, don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah, but I probably also need some pots and bandag –”

“You worry too much mate,” Saz says. “I’m healing you, remember?”

Yes, I remember. I shudder a little.

And off we go.

Icecrown

So we get to Icecrown. It’s not a long flight from Dalaran, but my mount is nervous. The Cenarions are pretty cool with saving forests and all that, but they know from shit when it comes to training animals.

And it’s goddamn freezing in this place. I’m wearing my battlegear from Alterac, which I thought would be warm enough, but this is some other kind of cold. This is no-nuts cold. Feels almost magical. I hate magic.

And then I see it: the citadel. The place looks like some kinda S&M Barbie palace. This Lich King guy is one sick fuck.

We land and Mal has a quick word with one of his pals outside.  A human, no less. The guy has glowy blue eyes and it sounds like he has a battery shoved up his arse when he talks.  The guys shows us in. He wishes us luck and he disappears. I scope his gear, and it’s epic – dancing runes and shit all over the place.  And he’s too scared to enter the place? He thinks that me and my rusty old armour will fare better? What a wanker. I make a mental note about the human with blue eyes. Maybe I’ll meet him later. Maybe in Arathi basin. I don’t need a name. I mean, how many humans with fluorescent blue eyes can there be?

We enter the citadel

So I’m all chatty and throwing /jokes around to ease the jitters a bit, and then we turn the first corner.

My bowels loosen, but only a little bit. Nobody seems to notice, although yesterday’s chilli leaves it’s mark.

We’re confronted by some fellas – some large fellas – wearing a bit of armour and nothing else. Nothing. Not even skin. And they have moohassive fuck-off big axes. Bigger than mine even. And my job here is to get hit by them.

So Saz says, “Go on in Bonz, I’ll cover ya!”

Smarmy bugger. Anyway, one mustn’t appear foppish, so I go on in. That spirit healer has the loveliest boobies, so what the hell eh?

I headbutt the first guard in his axe. The second guard notices and smacks me with his axe. My axe flops about uselessly, applying it’s magical ‘devastate’ effect to every cockroach in a seventy yard radius, but missing the fuckers that count. I yell at the skeletons, hoping that’ll demoralise them a bit, but they decide I’m a pointless twat and go smack Magz instead. Magz yells at me – like I’m the one hitting him! – and I head on over to the far end of the room to try and save his sorry self. If only he didn’t cause such shit with blokes so much bigger than himself, he’d be fine. I kick the skeleton where his nutsack used to be and he crumbles. Mal cheers, like it was his kill. So the dead guy’s glowing purple, so what? In all the excitement I forgot about the first bad guy. He’s wailing on Saz, who has turned into a bear to take this guy on. I mean, wtf? I yell, this time calling him a fat bastard who’s mother lay with chickens. The skeleton lumbers my way and I strike him one mighty blow. Well, I would have if I was any good with axes. Another cockroach goes down. The skeleton crackles with blue electricity and goes down as Magz whoops. He has better gear than I do. So of course he did more damage in that fight. I’m disappointed, but I don’t show it. We look through the skeleton’s gear. One of them has some frostweave on him. The other has a nice pair of gloves – no good for me, but an enchanter friend of mine would be very happy to have the mats from it. Saz insists on taking the gloves. Greedy bastard..

And so it goes. We head deeper and the fights get easier. I’m getting braver by the minute. It has nothing to do with the people I’m partied up with – this is me being a killing machine.

Then we come to a door. Freaking LADY SYLVANAS is there, in a pair of tight-as-you-like leather trousers that makes me think of camels and hamsters all at the same time, and the way she holds that bow! She could hold my -

“Yes ma’am,” Mal says, and beckons us forward. I didn’t even heard her speak. I always miss stuff. I should get my ears checked.

Sylvanas with her sweet pert body opens the door. I bow to her as we enter, and I think she throws me a wink. Or maybe it was the light. Either way, I think I’m in with a chance. Chicks dig men in plate. So she walks into this room. There’s an altar in there, with all skulls around it, yadda yadda. We saw this in Blade’s Edge, it’s nothing new. We trashed that guy and we’ll trash this guy and take his shit. That’s what we do. That’s how it is. We kick ar –

I freeze. Well, more than I’m already freezing. This Lich King owns the world and he can’t afford to pay for heating? The cheap fuck.

Anyway, I freeze. Something ain’t right. Suddenly some old alliance guy appears. This place is full of the bastards! I make a mental note: ethereal old guy in yellow armour. I’ll see you in Warsong, old guy. He speaks to Sylvanas. Man, she is built so well. Those curves; the superior attitude; that pouty face, all dead but yet so fine…

And then he leaves, the alliance guy. And what happens next? Only the FUCKING LICH KING HIMSELF appears! He has words with Sylvanas. She’s at an angle now where I can just see the outline of her chest… But I can’t think about that now, the FUCKING LICH KING HIMSELF is here!

I look for the nearest entrance, somewhere I can accidentally fall off and onto a ledge, far enough to escape to another level perhaps, but not too far that I may actually injure something. Then as quickly as he appeared, the FUCKING LICH KING HIMSELF leaves the room again. As does Sylvanas. And we’re stuck inside with our dicks in our hands and nowhere to put them.

But there’s no time to mess about. More dead guys appear, more goddamn Alliance. I smack them, but more appear. And more. And MORE! I’m overwhelmed! I use every trick in the book to make them notice me, but to no avail. They hit my friends and they run around and they cause mayhem. Then I lose my cool. I’m the main cow here. I’m the guy who they need to pay attention to. I go into a rage. I burn them with a challenging shout that mentions their heritage in a less-than-complimentary light. It calls them to me. All one million of them, or so it seems. I’m in for a world of hurt, but I don’t care. It’s time to make a stand. So I hit them and I smack them with my shield, and I feel pain, so much pain, and then I feel sweet, soothing relief as Sazon casts a healing spell on me. I watch as Malignant sears the minds of the unbelievers. I see Magpawacar drop his totems and scald the fuckers with elemental lightning. I watch Sisika stab my target with a flurry of knife wounds so quick it looks like I’m 8 x fast-forwarding “Big Breasted Orc Babes Take It All Ways.”  And the mobs go down. I’m still in shock. Then I notice that one of them has a nice shiny weapon sticking out from under him. I pick it up and show it to the guys.

“Boss incoming, Bonz!” someone shouts, and I turn around just in time to see some massive motherfucker of a dead guy shoot past me and smack Saz in the face. The druid drops to the ground. Boss guy up and spanks Magz next, flinging him halfway across the room. Mal attempts to chain the guy with a spell, but to no avail. The boss cleaves him in two. Sisika disappears, the cheeky bastard, leaving me to deal with this behemoth. I figure “what the hell” and smack him, only I miss and he cracks me one on the head. At the spirit healer I try to explain that I was only trying to clear the room of anything that may trip us up later on, but I don’t think anyone believes me.

The guys decide that perhaps this isn’t the best idea, so we head back to Dalaran. I’m getting my gear repaired at the armourers (I’m an armorsmith, but can I repair my own gear? Nooo! Goddamn hooves keep getting in the way), when Magz says to me, “Hey Bonz – we need another tank for Icecrown – we’re going raiding mate, lots of people are keen. You up for it?” All I want to do is sleep, but I agree. I’ve let the guys down and I want to make it up to them. So I join their little group, just in time to hear someone say, “Surely we can get someone better than him, ffs!” I guess they’re still looking for more to join them.

So we all head back to Icecrown, but this time there are ten of us. We’re going to KICK SOME ARSE! But the group are all going into a different entrance. I have no idea where I am, having arrived late. A guy needs to go when he has to go. I quickly follow them. This next place is huge. They tell me the Lich King is in here somewhere, and I try to tell them he was in the other place, but they don’t seem to believe me. So we start hitting stuff again. They tell me what to hit first – I don’t have a clue, there are too many of these dead bastards around and they all seem to want us dead. Then at the end of a tunnel we find this guy alone in a room. Well, I say ‘guy’, but it’s actually another skeleton thing with spider legs. Fucking spider legs! I hate spiders.

And he has four heads, yet he doesn’t seem to see us as we walk into the room right in front of him. It’s a good thing all these boss fuckers in Azeroth have such bad eyesight.

Someone yells at me to hit the icicles, so I hit the icicles. I don’t ask why. I mean, icicles? Pff.  But they go down, melting all over the place. And then one of them hits me, spikes me right up the barking starfish. I feel pain, such cold and intense pain that I scream like a baby. Someone breaks the icicle, and I understand why it needs to be done. A stick of ice up your most sacred place is not your friend.

My eyes are still watering as the spider guy goes down. Everyone cheers. I try to appear jovial, but I’m wondering if I’ll ever watch “Big Breasted Orc Babes Take It All Ways” in the same light again. And then we head up some stairs and hit a few more bad guys. We don’t ask questions. Hell, they deserve it just for being here in the first place.

We turn a corner, and in front of my disbelieving eyes, I see a ship. Up here, in the fricking stratosphere, in an icy vat of hellish misery, a ship! So we do what anyone would do when confronted with a flying boat moored off a frozen citadel: we step on board. Some goblin bastard gives me a jetpack and tells me to put it on. What – do I look stupid? Well I do with a jetpack on. And maybe even without one, but that’s not the point.

Next thing I know, another ship pulls up alongside us and some crazy alliance bastards start shooting rockets at us! I fucking HATE alliance! So I stick the jetpack on and boost myself over to the other ship, and start wailing on a dwarf bitch with a gun. Just as I’m getting my rage on, Mal shouts for me to get the hell out of there. I look up and see this fat dwarf spinning like a bastard in my direction, crazy as a frog in a blender. I use the jetpack and jump back over, only to find a whole bunch of the alliance tossers back on our ship. I use my rage to good effect, even though our ship is burning and tilting and the whole world is shifting in front of me. When it comes to smacking people in the face I really must try to give my best. The ship finally stops churning and the alliance vessel buggers off. I lean over the edge and paint a small corner of Northrend a vivid shade of green.

Stay tuned for more Bonzo Adventures………

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